Still Here with me
by WerewolfGirl
Summary: Realising he is all alone in the world, Remus can't seem to escape the memories that linger. POV, RLSB. Songfiction: My Immortal by Evanescence.


**_2nd July 2004_**

**NOTE:** Right my attempt now to avoid a law-suit o.o'' I don't own Harry Potter nor the characters used (shame!) they belong to Ms JK Rowling DON'T SUE PLEASE! I'm British I use British spellings not American - so live with colour and favourite with u's in p

Alright this is a Remus/Sirius song ficcie! This is my first song fic so please please! Go easy on me ;)The song used is _"My Immortal" by Evanscence_ I don't know if this has been done or not... Deicated to... Ermm no one at the moment lol! Okay all happy R/S or S/R shippers out there! and for the loss of poor Sirius Black.

WARNING _Shounen Ai_

By WerewolfGirl

* * *

**Still Here with Me.**

****

_**I'm so tired for being here**_

_**Suppressed by all my childish fears.**_

_**And if you have to leave**_

_**I wish you would just leave.**_

_**Because your presence still lingers here**_

_**And it won't leave me alone.**_

All the Death Eaters had been rounded up from those who had not escape along with their Master struggled against their magical binding that kept them from apparating away. Their wands had been removed all their swearing, hexes and excuses from behind their masked faces fell upon deaf ears as Aurors went about their business; this was like Christmas come early for them, a bunch of Death Eaters all tied up waiting for them. Everything tonight happened so quickly and now once and for all Fudge had now agreed that The Dark Lord had returned, You-know-who being right in the Ministry with eyewitnesses to support the case. Members of St Mungo's where coming to help the young fallen Hogwarts students Harry had taken with him and the three members of the Order who I had come with.

Everything happened so, so quickly in front of my eyes and in front of the eyes of the ones we went to save. Harry had struggled so hard against my attempts to hold him back my words to tell him Sirius was never going to come back. He went behind the veil and though I spoke true words to the teenager I could not believe them myself. That was a short while ago Harry had been sent back to Hogwarts with Dumbledore behind him. I stood watching the cleaning up happen in the Death Room.

All I could do was stare at that faded veil still and unmoving in a frozen fear, over and over as a film in my head projected frame by frame the scene in front of my eyes. Sirius old familiar laughter echoing in his ears then the red light hitting him straight into the chest the sudden stop of laughter, as I watch the last of my best friends fall backwards the shock printed over his face before disappearing behind that piece of ragged cloth. Sirius laughter, Lestrange's delighted screams, Harry calls to his Godfather and the sound of my own breaking voice as I tried to explain what had happened. It can't have ended like that not Sirius, he was too brave, and he was too clever it was not his time to go, it should not have been. Like the others I was wishing that Sirius might suddenly appear from behind the veil laughing in his usual way apologising for his mean trick of hiding in there for so long and worrying everyone but that was not going to happen and never will happen.

I was alone again the last of my only best friends was gone. James and Lily gone, Peter well he was more or less dead the traitor, now Sirius dear old Sirius was gone. My childhood fear had always been making friends and then loosing them because of what I am, but they had stayed by me like true and loyal friends but now my fear of loosing all of them was whole. Every single one of them had gone from my reach, from my sight. The dearest friend was now on a path that I could not follow.

"Excuse me sir, are you alright or hurt in anyway?" A small wizard asked me looking up through a pair of thick oval glasses that perched on the top of his button nose, wearing robes of lime green a bone and a wand the crest of St Mungo's stood out on his chest. I shook my head tiredly running my hand through my already sadly greying hair from its light brown colour. "No I'm fine, I have to just go some where now…".

I turned on my heel and as fast as I could walk made a beeline out of that room away from the memory of that event and the clean up operation if I stay in that room any longer I don't know what I would do.

I could feel a burning knot in my chest aching if I stay there, the room in, which claimed his life, I will break down in tears that no one would be able to stop. I can't stay here I need to get out. Away from the presence of the becoming ghost memories, away from these people asking me if I am all right when I'm not. I need to be alone just to be out of here for a moment and think to try and get this replying death scene in my mind.

_**These wounds won't seem to heal**_

_**This pain is just too real**_

_**There's just too much that time cannot erase.**_

I left The Ministry right into the heart of London muggles where still about even in this late hour of night, the sights and the sounds of the city nightlife. Three rowdy young muggle women went past me trying to walk on their high-heeled shoes clinging onto each other in a drunken fashion for support their makeup faces looking at me in my shabby robes what on earth did I look like to them? A beggar standing by a telephone box, red-eyed and just nearly ready to burst into tears though I fought them back putting on a brave face. One of the girls stopped the others dragging them to turn around in which followed by their girlish laughter. "Yo! Luv looking at this?" She shook her body almost falling over as she burst out laughing along with her two companions. I left making my way towards some back street away from the laughing women and their drunken squawks, away from all prying eyes away from this burning pain within side me.

I must have walked for half an hour before I found a suitable spot for the moment no one looked like they where around. I sighed so heavily I didn't want to be in this place any more the lights of inner London where making me dizzy. I needed to go somewhere to rest or at least a place where no one would bother me. I stuck out my wand hand half heartily and at once I heard a thunderous thud and a screech of wheels as a purple triple-decker bus halted just a foot away from my side. The conductor barely jumped out of the step before I shoved my hand into my robe pocket pulling out what little money I owned managing to count out the cost of eleven sickles in pieces of bronze and silver and into his hand. "Grimmauld Place"

I didn't look at the conductor but moved to sit down on one of the beds that was moving around, across from me a wizard was sleeping quite peacefully though his bed was rattling a lot.

I sighed turning to look out at the window perching on the end of my claimed bed as the Bus lurched and the sights of London disappeared to be replaced by countryside where it was raining, the rain drops pounded hard on the window panes. Typical weather in this country never the same in one place though this weather matched what was ragging around inside of me, the knot in my chest beginning to burn even more as my mind started to wonder into past thoughts….

**_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_**

**_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_**

**_And I've held your hand through all of these years_**

**_But you still have all of me._**

It was a an hour after dawn on a morning after another one of my gruesome monthly transformations, the rest of the Marauders had gone back to the castle hours ago to get some sleep themselves. Though by the time they had gone the werewolf side of me was thrashing about the house trying to find something it could break, the only things where there to break was the furniture and my own body.

I awoke as usual seeing small bits of sunlight peeking in through small cracks in the boarded up windows, I lay on the floor naked and bleeding from my self inflicted wounds. I had hardly slept at all only for an hour in which my eyes had closed from exhaustion of my transforming and the pain of my bleeding wounds. My werewolf claws and teeth had torn at my flesh wounds over my forearms and legs the usual places, I felt wet on my cheek a cut no doubt. But one that was really causing me the most pain was down my back. I could not see what I had done to it but what ever it was it was hurting me like crazy causing me to cry and moan. There was little chance of me this month managing to get up put on the thick covering clothes which I normally hid away every evening before I transformed so I could walk up to the school's Hospital Wing. The pain in my back it felt like I could possibly die! There was no use in me moving until one of the teachers decided to come and see where I had gone to and find me like this; on the floor in my pain and misery with nothing to cover me but the drying blood from my wounds. My fingers tried to dig themselves into the floorboards as I tried my hardest not to move but nothing was helping the biting pain running down my spine.

"REMUS! Hey Remus you about?" Came a voice from the next room, I could not mistake that voice a young male's with an odd gruff edge to it belonging to the one and only Sirius Black. What was he doing here? Oh he can't see me like this even if he was best friend or not, I'm not going to be found naked in this terrible state. I tried to move alittle only at once the soaring roar of my pain heighten making a agonised scream escape over my lips, as my head fell back to rest on the floor. My back pulsing in pain and feeling wet once more as new blood started to pour its surprising that I was not dead from blood loss at this moment though to escape this pain I would happily want to die.

There came the hurried footsteps from the other room and from what my vision could give me with my face being turned down close to the floor, the young Black's feet pausing. "What the hell did you do to yourself?"

I couldn't reply to him as he walked forwards taking off his black school robe to show off his somewhat neat school uniform. Coming to couch beside me inspecting my wound and the floor around me. "Shit Remus" I heard him hiss under his breath. I sighed heavily taking an intake of breath to speak, it was to hard for me to try and rise. "Sirius just get me some clothes I'll - I'll be alright."

"Yeah right like you'll be bloody alright Moony there's wood in this, looks like you fell on what was left of that table. I'm taking you straight to Madam Pomfrey." He said in a determined tone I felt the fall of the fabric over my back, the fibres prickly on my tender torn flesh it was bringing even more tears to my eyes. "Can you get up?"

He asked softly touching my shoulders lightly to help assist me, no I can't get up even if I did I'm still naked here even with a lose robe over me I'm not going to embarrass myself any longer. "Not but- please just-"

My voice was broken I heard him tsk at me under his breath if I could see his face I would swear he was rolling his eyes at me. "I'm not leaving you like this. Come on you haven't got anything I haven't seen before… I apologise for this but it's got to be done."

Being such a nice person as he was I was not given a chance to respond before he picked me around the waist and pulled me up to be sitting. Another wave of pain and a cry at this sudden movement both my hands grabbing the black robe draped around me tightly, hoping to loose some of my pain by squeezing the cloth.

Well now I was covered my back was in more pain but I felt him holding me upright to save me falling I took in the first main view of the room this morning. Pieces of wood lay scattered around where my legs where Sirius must be right it was possible while in my beastly state of attacking myself I tripped and crash-landed onto the unfortunate table. An odd silver cloak lay in a heap not far off that must have been how he got here without being seen James invisibility cloak though it blurred in my vision as a new wave of tears fell from my eyes and Sirius face came swimming into view.

"It's nothing that can't be fixed… Stop the tears you'll start making me go soft." He grinned at the end as he did up one of the buttons of his black robe I was borrowing and gently rubbing off some of the dried blood from my cheek. It was funny how some people up at school said that Sirius did not have a caring bone in his body, but to me he was always there checking up on me as I sit in the hospital Wing being patched up again. I don't think many people saw the side of him I saw though embarrassed sitting here in only an over robe I felt comforted just being in his presence.

He rose to fetch the silver cloak. I shivered only slightly from the cold of this old house and the pain watching him, clinging on tightly to the black robe a thought passing over my mind. "But what will you tell her? I mean it's not - like I can walk out of here - in my state like this and that you just - found me." I said though my breathing broke up the sentence all because of the stupid pain. Sirius shook his black head waving a hand to dismiss me.

"Don't worry I'll think up something"

**_You used to captivate me_**

**_By your resonating life._**

**_But now I'm bound by the life you left behind_**

**_Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams_**

**_Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me._**

I smiled weakly to myself at the memory. I was grateful for him appearing so suddenly and the look on Madam Pomfrey's face when he carried me into the Hospital Wing. She was worrying if any early bird students had seen me. We didn't tell her that I was carried all the way to the door under an Invisibility Cloak though Sirius with his quick mind managed to make up a convincing lie that she didn't press on the subject and set about getting treatment and clothes for me. He was a master at his white lies and his wit of troublemaking schemes he was like a flicking candle and me a bedazzled moth draw in by his light.

The Knight Bus jolted to a sudden stop and out the windows I recognised the place I rose silently from my bed and out of the doors onto the pavement of the outside. The sky was beginning to grow a lighter shade of blue from the inky black of night as the morning sun was on the way. It was a grim looking place clearly a rough area of the town with unkempt grass with rubbish and muck everywhere a perfect hiding place for a wizarding house. I walked at once to the middle of where number eleven and thirteen stood, I didn't bother checking for Muggles if any where awake they might think they where drifting into a dream I could not be bothered at this moment. Walking up the stone steps I pulled my wand out of my tatty robe pocket and taped on the silver serpent doorknocker as the locks inside it unbolted themselves so I could enter the house of my departed friend. I paused in the darkness hoping to hear a welcoming soft bark with the sound of paws or footfalls to be greeted by the owner, but there was nothing but black.

Another wave of my wand and a few candles started up small flames, all the portraits in the house where screaming madly the portrait of Mrs Black looked like it was torn in two whether she should be happy or upset though being pleased seemed to be winning. "AHH! The dirty blood begone from my house. Filthy blood!" She screamed as she caught sight of me as I made my way to climb the staircase to try and escape all the noise in the hallway. I was not in the mood to silence them. So I ignored her I didn't care for her at this moment her only lasting son had died and all she could do was celebrate!

As I set foot on the landing I spotted the sight of Kreacher dancing gleefully by somehow hearing the news. "He's gone now just me and my mistress by ourselves once more, oh it's that half blood coming to look for the Master who's gone." He muttered to himself I gritted my teeth that ungrateful creature. He carried on dancing his cheerful jig chatting to himself about the master was gone, annoying me so much that I hardly had time to stop myself for a moment. My foot kicked the house elf in the backside right down the staircase where he landed in a crumbled heap and groaned in his pain at the bottom, making Mrs Black howl louder. I didn't hang about to hear his insults or to see if he was all right I stormed off down the hall way passing the bedroom doors to the room I had picked as my own. A voice came from one of the rooms calling. "Sirius? Sirius come here at once when I'm calling you. Sirius! Dumbledore is wrong- Kreacher! You stupid house elf get my great grandson here! Sirius!"

Sirius had once told me his great grandfather was a headmaster at Hogwarts that must have been where the portrait was kept but I didn't enter the room I headed faster into my own room slamming the door behind me to shut the noise. Though the screams from downstairs could still be heard in a slight din and calls of the upstairs portrait.

**_These wounds won't seem to heal_**

**_This pain is just too real_**

**_There's just too much that time cannot erase._**

I stood resting my back and head against the wooden door with my eyes closed tight trying to shut out the images of his death running through my head once more, trying to shut out the shouting downstairs which where all slowly dying down. I could feel the tears I so longed to cry but kept back started to fall from my closed eyes pouring out my sorrow from my being.

I moved my head and opened my eyes to look around the dingy room I had claimed. A bent iron bed set against the wall a wardrobe to my right up against the other wall and in front of me a small dressing table with my reflection staring back at me in a cracked mirror. My longish light brown hair with it's few already grey hairs lay like a mane around my tired face, eyes red with thin tearstains of which my tears flowed upon. I looked like this when I heard about the news of Lily and James had died the suspected murder of Peter and the day I believed it was Sirius who sold our friends and their young child to Lord Voldermort and murdered Peter who tried to catch him. I was wrong I admit that now I know the truth but now Sirius; my last best friend was gone, the world felt even lonelier than before. What a cruel fate has been given me it's robbed me of normality by giving me a curse so no one would want me and robbed me of the only friends who I ever really truly cared for.

I walked over to my bed in search of peace in sweet happy dreams to escape the reality of the world and dream that Sirius, James and Lily where still here with me as in the old days.

Of a happy time when me and Sirius went out dressed as muggles to watch their November Firework displays and the huge bonfires with a dummy sat way up high as the flames licked at it's clothes, they say it was to celebrate catching terrorists many years ago. As the muggle children stare wide eyed at the burning dummies, munching on their burgers or toffee apples their parents drinking hot punch as the bright fireworks lighted up the sky. I remember that night so vividly we where getting slowly drunk on our glasses of punch causing a ruckus that one of the organisers of the display showed us the way out of the park it was held on. We wondered on in deserted streets of the village arms around each other's shoulders to support ourselves as we made our way home singing old songs by bands like "Merlin's Lost Sons" and "Vampire Kinship", our favourite wizarding rock groups. We where somewhere on the chorus of "Death Kiss" by the Vampire Kinship when he turned and kissed me right there in the street as bold as brass.

I smiled softly to myself though the tears still where falling from my grey-blue eyes I started to strip myself of my robe and shirt in order to be ready for sleep, in my cracked mirror I glance a thin scar between my shoulder blades. I reached behind my hand to run a fingertip along the lower part of it, a scar of where I fell and was found by him. He used to run his fingers down my spine knowing where it was, we pet named it as his scar and mine but now he had vanished from the world. I could no longer get to feel his fingertips run down my spine or even kissing the middle of my back so softly, no more of those small affectionate things.

**_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_**

**_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_**

**_And I've held your hand through all of these years_**

**_But you still have all of me._**

I sighed as a new wave of tears started falling harder than before I wished he was here with me taking my hand and reassuring me that things are okay and cheer me up. I should be happy the catching of a bunch of death eaters and Fudge finally believes the order's hard work but I couldn't how could I? I'm not happy because Sirius is not here with me. He was snatched away and now all I can do to find him again is in dear memories and in this old house, but it was not the same how could it be when I can't see or feel his touch once more on my skin.

I stared long at my reflection that stared back out of me from the small dresser mirror what I sorry sight I looked, a grown man sitting half naked with his eyes all puffy and red with beads of crystal tears running down my face. This knot of pain inside my chest won't go away. I can't find any comfort in this room anything that would send me off into a peaceful slumber that I wanted.

I rose from where I was taking some bare footed steps towards the door of my room out into the hallway. Everyone was quiet now the paintings downstairs had settled finally and there was no sign of that disagreeable house elf.

I looked at the doors with their peeling paint some where closed others just slightly ajar though my eyes fell on one door that was just off to my right, Sirius' room. It was stupid I don't know why but I walked across grabbing the cold brass doorknob to allow myself entrance into that room.

Considering what Sirius was like and the rest of the house, this room was spotless possibly because of the long hours he was forced to keep himself locked in this house. An iron bedstead bed, old newspapers and books in a small pile on the floor. A Wardrobe and a dresser with one of its drawers no quite closed. Everything as he had left it, nothing touched or moved since he last exited this room. The window had it's curtains wide open allowing me to see the warming colours of dawn break, so warm and smoothing standing here in this room where I thought I could feel the presence of my old friend where I could find comfort.

I timidly climbed into his old bed, lying down under the think covers and resting my head against the pillow. The smell of his so crisp in my tonsils but reassuring, curled up under these blankets with his impregnated smell I could believe he was here with me now.

Though he was never going to come back again it was impossible but here now slowly falling into a tired sleep I could believe that he was right beside me and that I'm not alone in this world.

**_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone_**

**_And though you're still with me_**

**_I've been alone all along._**


End file.
